Surrounded But Alone
by AndreeaRaducan
Summary: She's surrounded by people she loves and cares about, but she's never felt so alone before. Series of oneshots for 200. Spoilers for 200 if you have not yet seen it. Rated T for mature themes.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Wow, 200 was AMAZING! AJ was flawless! Paget was awesome!**

**MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 200 IF YOU HAVE NOT YET SEEN IT!**

**I have this prolonged feeling of sadness over JJ's baby. I can feel it in my gut. My view of her is changed because the pregnancy was SO unexpected, and I thought they were never going to touch on another storyline like that. JJ is such a private person that seeing her go through that on screen was a real hard hitter for me. Seeing her crying broke my heart. So now, she seems much smaller and more vulnerable to me, yet so much stronger because of it. It's so hard to explain how I feel, but there, I just did the best I could possibly do.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

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><p><strong>May 2011<strong>

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><p>Curled up on the bunk with her knees pulled up to her chest, Jennifer Jareau felt like she couldn't breathe as she stared wide eyed at the wall of the quarters.<p>

She'd been released from the hospital just a few hours earlier, and had been brought back to the sleeping quarters in a daze by a very calm and compassionate Mateo Cruz. He had left her alone, promising he would be back later to check on her.

Somehow, he had arranged for her to have the remainder of the day to herself. They both knew she couldn't be away from the task she was assigned, but Matt also knew that JJ needed some time alone to gather her thoughts.

Her brain was stuck on standstill. She couldn't seem to function any longer. Nothing was processing, it was like she was stuck in a haze.

Here she was, trying to protect her country, her family, everyone she loved, and she couldn't even protect the tiny life that had been growing inside of her.

At that thought, a choked sob escaped her as her hand wound its way to her flat stomach, resting lightly against her lower abdomen.

Tears spilled over as she thought of what that baby might have become. She didn't even want to fight them back. All she wanted to do was curl up and cry.

Thoughts of Will ran through her head. The conversation they'd had regarding having another baby. How they had tried so many times and been unsuccessful.

They had finally managed to create a precious little life, and all too quickly, it was ripped away from them. They could have had another baby...maybe a little girl...

There was no way she could tell him. He'd never even known about the pregnancy in the first place. It would break him so badly for her to tell him now. Get his hopes up and crush them flat again in two seconds.

No way. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Hearing someone come into the quarters, JJ quickly tried to stem her tears. Everyone was under the impression that she was still feeling unwell from the explosion; she didn't want someone to find her in near hysterics.

"Agent Jareau?" said a familiar voice, filled with concern and kindness.

"I think after everything, you can call me JJ," JJ muttered through her tears, not even bothering to turn and look at Matt as he sat down on the edge of her bed.

"JJ," Matt started, as if testing out her nickname for the first time. "I just wanted to see how you were doing"

Pushing herself up, JJ turned to face him, her eyes wet with the tears she'd cried.

"How I'm doing?" she asked in disbelief, her voice rising. "I lost my baby," she hissed, mindful of the volume she was speaking at; no-one else needed to know. "I lost my baby, I'm here trying to help protect my country and I couldn't even protect the life I helped create"

Reaching out, Matt placed a gentle hand on her shoulder as he watched the tears cascade down her pretty face.

"JJ...I'm so sorry...I wish there was a way to go back and change it," he said gently.

"Please," JJ whispered, her voice barely staying even. "I need...I just have to be alone"

Matt nodded, giving her shoulder one more squeeze before standing up and moving slowly to the door. As he stepped outside into the hot Middle Eastern sun, he cast one last fleeting glance at the broken blonde who had once again curled up on her bunk.

"How is she?" Strauss asked, approaching him from the other side of the road.

Matt shrugged his shoulders. "So so. Said she should be ok tomorrow but just wants to be left alone to rest right now"

Strauss nodded, turning away from Matt and starting to walk towards the main communications tent.

"Come on," she called over her shoulder. "We have so much to do"

Hearing Matt start to walk away, JJ squeezed her eyes shut, tears falling out onto her pillow as she wrapped her arms around her taut stomach.

She was so alone in this. So alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Ok, I'm fully aware that JJ said she didn't tell anyone. But I would like to believe that she at least gave her mom a call, because she's been holding onto that secret for nearly three years. **

**So, this is a speculation shot.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters or affiliates.**

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><p><strong>June 2011<strong>

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><p>Toying with the phone held tightly in her hands, JJ swallowed thickly as she watched Will buckling Henry into the car to take him to preschool.<p>

Seeing the way Will doted on their son absolutely broke her heart. He would've had that again...he could've doted on two little children.

Waiting for Will to pull out of the driveway and drive off down the street, JJ choked back her tears as she thought about what she was going to do. She was going to tell someone the secret she'd been holding onto since she last returned from Afghanistan.

Unlocking her phone, she opened the keypad and dialled one of the only numbers she knew off by heart.

With every ring, her heart pounded against her ribcage. She didn't know how she was going to formulate the words she needed to say.

"_Hello, Sandy speaking_"

"Mom...it's me. Jennifer," JJ said slowly, taking deep breaths as she spoke.

"_Hey stranger. How are you?_"

"I'm ok," JJ lied softly. She heard her mother pause, leaving a silence between them. In that instant, she knew she wasn't convincing enough.

"_Jennifer, I'm your mother, and I can tell you're not ok just by listening to your voice. You also don't just call me out of the blue, although I wish you would. What's the matter honey?"_

JJ felt tears well up in her eyes along with the lump forming in her throat. Her chin quivered as she drew in a deep shaky breath.

"Do you remember when I...when I told you that Will and I were trying for another baby?" she asked softly, fighting to keep her voice even.

"_Yes I do"_

Swallowing back the lump in her throat, JJ felt the tears threatening to spill over. She wasn't going to be able to hold herself together for much longer.

"I got pregnant...I found out in March...when I was away for work," she explained, her voice trembling badly as tears started to fall.

She heard her mother's intake of breath, and knew immediately that she knew what the phone call was about.

"_Oh Jennifer..."_

"I got hurt...and I miscarried," JJ managed to say as the sobs wracked her body. Pressing a hand over her mouth, she tried to stem the tears that were cascading down her cheeks.

"_Jennifer...honey, what happened?"_

"I was stupid, that's what happened," JJ sobbed. "I knew I was pregnant, and I went out in the field, and I got injured and miscarried"

"_Honey, accidents happen. Everything happens for a reason. If you hadn't miscarried then, you probably would have lost the baby at a later date"_

JJ bit her tongue to prevent herself from telling her mother that the cause of her miscarriage was far from an accident. And when she found out who had ambushed the convoy, she was seriously going to wrap her hands around their neck and squeeze as hard as she could. Or put a bullet in them. Or the whole damn clip.

"_How's Will handling it?"_

JJ felt her breath catch in her throat. "He doesn't know...I never told him I was pregnant...I was going to tell him when I got home," she replied tearfully.

"_Jennifer, he deserves to know"_

"I can't tell him Mom!" JJ exclaimed, cursing herself for how harsh her voice sounded. "It'll break him...he was so excited at the thought of another baby...if he knew we'd been successful and I miscarried because of my own idiocy, he would never be able to forgive me"

"_You don't know that-"_

"Mom. I'm not telling him. I can't hurt him like that. It's just better if he doesn't know," JJ cut in, tears dripping down onto the front of her hoodie.

She heard her mother sigh, and she knew the argument wouldn't go any further.

"_I'm just worried about you dealing with this on your own. I wish I could be there Jennifer, but I can't"_

"I know...," JJ whispered through her tears. "But I'm not alone," she lied. She was telling half the truth. Matt knew. But she couldn't cry on his shoulder. Not like she should've been able to with Will.

"_Then why did you call me?"_ her mother asked gently.

"Because I wanted my mom," JJ replied timidly, her voice wavering badly as she tried not to sob.

"_Oh baby...I'm sorry...I wish I could be with you, I do"_

"I know," JJ whispered, trying to get her emotions back under control.

"_Jennifer...you know I could never understand what it's like to miscarry my baby...but I do know what it's like to lose a child"_

JJ's breath caught in her throat at her mother's implication. She didn't know if she could handle discussing her sister right now.

"Mom-" she started.

"_I know you probably don't want to talk about Roz baby, but I just need you to know...right now, it feels awful. You can't understand how the life you created is so easily taken out of this world. But given time, the pain will fade. One day, you will be able to wonder what your baby might have become without feeling that pain. For now you just have to push through, take each day as it comes, and focus on the things you do have. You have Will, who loves you to no end, and Henry, who idolises you because you're a superhero to him"_

More tears fell down JJ's cheeks as she buried her face in her free hand, trying to muffle her sobs as she thought of her wonderful boyfriend and her beautiful little boy. Every word her mother was saying was hitting that sensitive spot on her heart, tugging at all the emotions she was so desperately trying to keep beneath the surface. Her tears didn't even scratch the surface of what she had pent up.

"_You are my baby girl and I know you better than most people. I know that you're incredibly strong and resilient, but you're also so stubborn. You hide everything away and refuse to tell anyone else when you need help. I just...I want you to promise you'll tell someone who can be there for you physically, because I can't"_

JJ took a deep breath, trying to steady her voice before she spoke. She knew she was about to lie to her mother, but that didn't stop her.

"I will," she choked out. "I will"

Hearing the car pull back into the driveway, JJ glanced over her shoulder. Watching as Will turned off the ignition and got out of the car, she turned away again.

"Mom, I have to go...Will's back," she said quickly, getting up off the couch and moving through the house and up the stairs to the master bedroom.

"_Ok Jennifer...I love you...and promise me you'll talk to someone...preferably Will"_

JJ let out a choked sob as she slipped into the bathroom and shut the door. "I'll try. I love you too"

"_You call me and let me know how you're doing, ok?"_

"Ok. I'll talk to you later"

"_Ok. Bye"_

Bidding her goodbyes, JJ hung up the phone, quickly turning the shower on as she heard Will traipsing through the house calling her name. She didn't want him to find her in her current state; red puffy eyes and a pale complexion. She'd have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.

Stepping into the shower as Will knocked on the door, she scrubbed her face, trying to get the damp feeling of tears off her skin.

"JJ? You in there?" Will called, slightly confused. If JJ was going to have a shower in the morning, it was always right after she woke up.

"Yeah, fine. Just wanted to wash my hair," JJ called back, her voice staying calm and clear.

"Ok. I'll be in the lounge when you're out," Will replied. JJ listened as he turned and walked away from the door and down the stairs.

Once she was sure he was gone, she pressed her lips together tightly as tears threatened to fall. She hated lying to him.

Placing one hand against her toned stomach, she let out a soft sob, sinking to the shower floor.

She so desperately wanted to tell someone.

But she couldn't.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So yes, I'm officially the worst updater ever. My problem is that I come up with new ideas every other week and have to publish them and then only want to work on them and nothing else.**

**But fear not, for I have written up a list of EVERYTHING I've published that needs an update. This one ended up getting done first since it only needs this last chapter. Some of my older, cheesier stories might get updates, they might not. Soul Surfer and Mind Over Matter for instance. I might update them purely for old time's sake. Soul Surfer only needs three more chapters anyway.**

**My other problem is I got a PlayStation for Christmas. I've spent much of the last four months playing Grand Theft Auto V (I'm a REALLY shit driver, I spin out every other corner), and the three months before that playing Elder Scrolls: Skyrim.**

**Oh look, I got off track. Anyway, bear with me, I am working to be better at updating. I might start building a backlog of chapters before I publish anything.**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

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><p>Her body ached relentlessly as she finally burrowed beneath the warm covers of her bed. She could hear Will walking quietly around the house, locking doors and windows and turning off lights before retiring for the night.<p>

Her exhausted body was begging her to sleep, but all JJ could think of was Askari. The pain, the fear...how they had been prepared to go all out for those codes.

More than anything, all she could think of was the dirty great secret eating at her from the inside out.

_I didn't even tell my husband._

Hearing footsteps entering the room, JJ buried herself further beneath the covers, tears cresting her eyes.

She felt sick. Dirty with shame. She'd hidden it from him for _three years_.

He was going to hate her. But she couldn't keep him in the dark any longer. If she had died in that basement...she would've taken that awful secret to the grave. And while Will was happier not knowing...she couldn't live with the guilt anymore.

"Will," she croaked, her voice harsh and tired.

When she poked her head out from the covers and turned towards him, he was standing at the edge of the bed, watching her expectantly.

Gingerly, she pushed herself up, wincing sharply as her ribs protested any kind of movement. Will was quick to be by her side, a gentle arm snaking around her back to support her.

"You ok?" he asked softly, his voice shaking slightly.

He'd been so scared. He'd told her that at the hospital. The minute he couldn't contact her or Cruz, he had started imagining life with just himself and Henry.

He'd been on the verge of tears when she first saw him. He had wanted to throw his arms around her and just hold her, but he had been too scared to in case he hurt her.

All JJ had wanted to do was hold him and cry.

It killed her that after all the pain she'd put him through in the last 24 hours, she was about to hurt him again.

"Will," she said again, swallowing thickly to help her voice grow stronger. "There's...there's something I need to tell you"

Will remained quiet, his eyes never leaving her as he waited patiently for her to say what she needed to say.

She opened her mouth to speak again, but found she had no words. As she took a deep breath, Will closed his hand around hers, giving it a gentle squeeze to help her along.

"When I was...in Afghanistan...I found out I was pregnant," she said softly, her voice catching her in her throat.

She couldn't look at him. She knew he was already connecting the dots, and she couldn't stand to see the hatred grow in his eyes when he worked it out.

"You...you were pregnant?" Will asked, shock lacing every word he spoke.

JJ nodded, tears filling her eyes. "We were hit with an IED...and I...I miscarried"

She barely made it through the sentence before the tears burst free, flooding vigorously down her cheeks as she attempted to muffle her sobs with her hand.

Every sob that wracked her body made her muscles scream in agony, but she couldn't stop it.

"I wanted...to tell you...but I just...I just couldn't," she choked out through her tears, still unable to look at Will. "I tried...many times...but after today...I couldn't live...with that guilt...anymore"

Burying her face in her hands, she let the tears flow free. Not just for their lost child. But for all the torture, fear, and pain she had endured. She'd held up strong. Now it was time to break down.

To her surprise, Will's arms wrapped around her, pulling her into a gentle and comforting embrace.

"I'm not going to lie, I'm upset you didn't tell me sooner," he said softly, blinking back tears of his own. "But after everything that's happened...I'm not going to yell, or get angry, or try and make you feel worse. Because surely that guilt was bad enough...and I'm honestly just so grateful I didn't lose you"

JJ felt more tears rising up at his words.

"It hurts, JJ, it does. But I'll move on. We will. Together"

Clutching at him like a lifeline, JJ finally lifted her eyes to meet his, startled to find that his matching blue eyes were also filled with tears.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too Jay. So much," Will replied gently, pressing a kiss to her forehead before pulling her back into a warm hug. "Thank you for telling me the truth"

Leaning against his chest, JJ's eyes slowly drifted closed as the last few sobs died down throughout her body.

Maybe...just maybe...she wasn't as alone as she had previously thought.


End file.
